What She Wrote ♡ L

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Well as if it has been 8 months since my last post (that post was long overdue too!). So much has happened, changed and improved this year - it's been quite a good year actually.

Okay just to recap and catch you all up...I overcame my depression, I got back into work, a new furry addition to the house hold, Miley, 4 days camping at the amazing Silverstone Formula 1, we moved house and I got a promotion!

I'll start by introducing Miley - she has been a bundle of joy, that is forgetting the multiple plants she has destroyed/eaten and the food she has stolen (typical kitty behavior i guess) - but it has been a pleasure having her, she has helped me overcome my anxiety on being alone. Having her has been a real test on myself and S, having that extra responsibility has been tough but we've got a hang of it now. He loves her too... (as much as he denies it!) he does. She brings so many laughs to our new home. 

We eventually got out of the flat and into a beautiful semi detached home, so much more space that even the cat has her own room! Being at the flat was hard, we argued a lot and having a kitty run around made it even harder. We moved at the right time, now we have an upstairs and a downstairs with a garden and a garage, and although that might just be the norm to some people, it's an achievement to us. 

Of course with a bigger and better house became more bills, but after a month of moving in (August 1st) i landed myself a promotion within the company. Marketing Assistant! Basically I am heavily involved in the production of brochures, emails and any other marketing material. Although my degree is in Fashion, i am over the moon that it hasn't gone to waste in the end - it's hopefully going to be the start of something great!

Anyways my NY resolution is to keep my blog up to date, figured a quick catch up of my 2017 was a good place to start. I'll be back soon, it's Christmas, a 9pm Christmas movie will be starting soon and the tin of Roses is staring at me! 
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First of all I want to say... I'm baaack! As if it has been a month since my last blog post. Work has pretty much been my main focus for the past few weeks and on my days off I have been spending time with family and S. Today has been the first day where I have been able to make the time to chill out and blog, I have however been scribbling down blog notes when it's been a little quiet at work (that's the beauty of working in a office!)

So I guess I should catch you all up!

My job in the travel industry is going fantastic, I have really found my feet and feel like it's a place I could really settle down in. The money isn't too bad plus I'm on commission, so the harder I work the more money I'll make. A rewarding job, at last.

S and me are in a good place right now, starting to save for our holiday (Silverstone) in July as well as being able to do up our flat ☺🏡. We spent the whole of last weekend (bank holiday) decorating our bedroom and yesterday we eventually got our bed (which we waited 5 weeks for by the way..) fuck you Littlewoods! I tell you what though it must have been the worlds most anticipated bed 😂. We were stupidly happy when it arrived, I mean c'mon we had been sleeping on a mattress on the floor for 2 months!

Anyway there are no longer any stresses about money and S and me are able to enjoy life again, we are even talking about getting a joint membership at our local sports centre next week. That'll open up a load of stuff for us to do together and keeping fit along the way 💑💪.

My mental health, well it has definitely improved... I am no longer a paranoid-crazy-insecure-mess (fs.) But then Friday night happened. I have no idea where it came from, but a build up of anxiety fast turned into a full blown panic attack/breakdown. I ended up screaming, crying and eventually kicking the crap out of my bathroom unit. I hadn't took my tablets for about 3 days and I think the effects of not doing so ended up with me crying a river... literally. My eyes yesterday morning were so puffy from crying I could barely open them in the morning, why do I do it to myself?

I have started taking my tablets again, rookie mistake... like last year! I felt as though I didn't need them anymore, when in reality I sooo clearly do.

I promise to not leave it as long as this till my next post, I have lots to share with you all!

Take care, enjoy your week ✌

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Omg I think this may be the longest I haven't posted in and I have missed it so much!

Time for a catch up, cuppa?

Well my first week at my new job is complete and finally I can relax, enjoy my days off again (without feeling guilty/like a "bum") and enjoy spending time at home again! I honestly feel like a whole new person, I mean obviously I am of course still taking my medication. But I think it's time to start thinking about lowering my dosage. I am ready now 😀.

I'm still going to take my anxiety pills (beta-blocker) because let's face it, I've not been miracly cured all of a sudden (if only),  I'm going to suffer from anxiety for the rest of my life probably. But I feel like that's okay, I have learnt how to control my anxiety now. The depression on the other hand, controlled me, my emotions, everything.

I was so worried that time was going to start flying me by and that I was going to be unemployed and unwell for many months more. But now, I'm employed full time and I actually see a future for myself there. My relationship is great, I have made new friends already at my workplace, I am going to be able to treat my family and just generally live life again.

So I am working for a holiday resort company in a bustling office building, so far so good. People are friendly, I find it easy to be myself already, the pay is decent and it's not too far away from home, jackpot!

Training has been intense so far, learning the systems, how to take payments and the products, my goodness so much product knowledge to learn but I'm excited, 2 more weeks and I will be fully trained and on the job.

I am feeling unstoppable at the moment (hahaha). I am back to the 9-5 grind, earning money, keeping S and mines flat like a home and I am able to make plans again, at last.

Future Plans

#1 Start saving money for Silverstone (F1) weeeee!
#2 Driving Lessons (I'm 26 and haven't even got my provisional)
#3 House hunting with S can start again
#4 A new house leads to A PUG PUPPY! 🐶🐾
#5 A weekend break away with family and S at the Lake District

After writing up that plan I do realise I need a good amount of money there but hey, aim high! 😂

2017; you're starting to shape up pretty nicely after a shaky start.



How is your 2017 going? Was life looking bleak at first but recently turned itself round?
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So you've got the job, now what? Preparation is key. I go back to working full time from Tuesday so I have started to buy things that I will need to make sure my first week runs smoothly and stress-free!

I received my contract in the post today along with induction papers on what to expect whilst I am training, dress code and what's to be expected of me while I am working there. I must have signed my name and contact details about a hundred times 😂.

Whilst I am preparing for my new job I thought it would be a good idea to share how I prepare, as starting a new job can be nerve-wracking and stressful, as well as exciting.

Read into the company/organisation
You can do this by looking on their website, social media pages and there is a website full of reviews, interview processes, salary and more from employees and ex-employees.  You can visit the page here at Glassdoor.

Purchase new stationary
If you're anything like me, you'll love buying new notepads and pens. I like to get pretty notepads as it adds a personal touch and makes organising more fun. Getting fresh new stationary helps you to get in the right frame of mind for work, yesterday I got myself a work diary as well as a blog diary. Once I start work again I know it is going to be hard for me to post every other day (like I try to at the moment), so by making notes of post ideas it'll help to keep me inspired when I eventually get the chance to sit down and write!

Eat healthy
Now I wish I had started this months ago, but in recent weeks I have been  making sure I have my 5 a day. Eating well will not only have you looking trim and healthy but it will also stop you from feeling so sluggish and tired. My favourites at the moment are steamed kale, sweet potato mash with fresh chicken. It looks good on the plate (for those foodographers out there) and it tastes even better. I was reading up about the benefits of eating kale and I was so shocked at how flipping good it is for you. Have a read for yourselves here.

Update your wardrobe
Like I need an excuse to shop for clothes? (lol). But yes a new wardrobe is crucial, I mean I'm not talking about a massive shopping haul here but key pieces. Cute smart tops, a couple of pair of smart trousers/jeans and of course a good pair of shoes! I went shopping yesterday and purchased a few blouses and also had a good dig around my wardrobe and managed to pull out tops I forgot I even had! So before you got out on a spending spree have a look through your wardrobe first 😉. Luckily for me my dress code at work is smart/casual, so a cute blouse, a good fitting pair of jeans and some little booties will be my work attire. Simple and no yucky restricting uniform.

Last but not least, GOOD LUCK! 💗

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Yep you read that right, I got the job! Ahhhh *shakes booty*. I am now working in the travel and tourism industry and finally back in the working world.

It's been 3 months since I quit my last job and with only one wage coming in, money was becoming a struggle. S has been working 7 days a week for the last 4 weeks just to make sure we have enough money for rent and other living costs, and me? Well I have been the typical housewife! Never did I think that phrase would come out of  my mouth 😂. Cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on is a role I never thought I'd take on. My god, no way - ask my Mam. The number of times she would come into my room and pass a sarcastic remark about the collection of glasses, cups or bowls... well I lost count of (sorry Mam🙈).

These past few month I feel like I have finally grown up, I've learned about the value of money and I've gotten to know myself a lot better too. Initially, I did feel guilty about quitting my job due to my mental health and how it was going to affect S and me financially, but if you haven't got your health what have you got? I've needed this time off for me. To sort myself out and to figure out where the hell I wanted to go, career wise.

I was so lost last year, I ended up being on the sick twice from my job. Looking back I think the job played a part in the anxiety. I loved my job until maybe the last 4-5 months. I dreaded the night before work, I wouldn't sleep properly, I cried every other day. It was so exhausting.

In the end I was sad for most of the time and eventually my work mates picked up on it. Some sympathized, some expressed that they feel the same sometimes and then there was one person in particular, the big B. Not many people liked big B at work, three words spring to mind. Patronising-sexist-arsehole. It wasn't always bad - I have made a couple of life long friends there, I'm not quite sure what happened just everyone's mood changed and team morale was pretty shit.

Anyways, that's in the past now, finally! I now have a fresh new start coming up in the next few days and I can't wait. If there is one thing I love about myself, it's my determination. Goodbye Fashion, Hello TT! (I'm still a little excited.. can you tell?)

🙈

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For the past year or so I have been reflecting a lot about how I imagined my life to be at this age.


The Hope:
I envisioned I'd be in my dream job that the 3 years of university helped me achieve, have a big group of friends, be married, with a child or two and own my own home with my partner.

The Truth:
I am currently in between jobs, my university degree has done bugger all for me, I have a small group of close friends, I'm living with my long term boyfriend in a rented 2 bedroom flat and my finances are shocking.

However I have been brought up to always see the glass as half full as opposed to half empty. Yes I may not be employed right now but I do have job interviews coming up and to be honest, in these last couple of months of me being unemployed I feel I have really needed this time to sort my mental health out and re think my career options. I think back to how my last job made me feel, I worked full time in retail and it was honestly soul destroying. You are dispensable in that sector. I have always strived for a job where I am valued and indispensable. A job where you look forward to going in every day. My mam has always said to me if you get a job you enjoy you'll never have to work a day in your life. (More wise words from Mumma B).

Anyways right now, that is what I am trying to achieve. I now know that yes I have a big interest in fashion but is working in the fashion industry for me? Nah, I don't think so anymore. It is such a cut throat industry and I am a very sensitive and caring person that I just don't see myself fitting into that environment anymore.

So what have I done about it? Well after reading through my CV a few times, doing online skill tests, talking with national careers advisors and attending job interviews in industries that I am not used to I have learned more about myself, what I am capable of and more importantly what I want. I have attended job interviews with banks, care homes, travel shops and tomorrow I have a interview to work in a office based travel agents with the UKs leading holiday park resorts. So yep, I am pretty excited and dare I say hopeful!

As for my university degree, well I think it is safe to say that it was a waste of time, so much so that I am not even going to delve into that aspect of my life right now. I guess I am still bitter about it, but maybe I only have myself to blame. In my last year I didn't push myself nearly half as hard as I did in my first two years. When I'm ready to, I'll talk about it 😔.

Friends, well they come and they go don't they? I have a lot of acquaintances that if effort was made on both sides, I'd be able to say I had a big group of friends. But life gets in the way, we grow up and sometimes grow out of each other. Personally I much prefer having a small group of good friends as opposed to having a big group of fake friends. Quality over quantity.

One of the best things in my life at the moment is my relationship with my boyfriend, S. Despite my mental health and financial problems we always overcome obstacles that life puts in the way. I guess that is what you call a real relationship. I've got his back and he's got mine. He loves and supports me in every way possible and I can now say for the first time in my life, I feel safe and secure knowing he is by my side. (n'awww.) ❤

The financial side of my life has created a lot of anxiety for me over the past few years and it's only been recently that I have managed to take control of it. Well I say that but, it was actually with the help of my grandparents (amazing of them). My financial problems all started while I was studying, so seeing as I now see my degree as waste you can imagine how I feel about it 😒.

The point in this post? Well in all honesty I didn't plan on writing or even sharing this post, but the thoughts and words came to me and just kept typing. I guess it's a little insight to my life and it's helped me see what I DO have and what I should be thankful for. So I hope you've read this and been able to relate in some way and remember, the glass is always half full.
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Photo Credit: @LoBosworth
Who is Lo Bosworth? You're probably thinking, right? Well, if you remember me talking about how obsessed I was with the TV show The Hills, she was one of the stars and BFF with my idol Lauren Conrad. 

She has opened up about why she went quiet throughout most of 2016, due to her depression and anxiety. To give you a brief outline she started to suffer from low mood at the end of 2015, going into 2016 it got significantly worse. Her mood wasn't improving and anxiety and depression began to take over her life. She was put on anti-depressants, they didn't work. So she kept going back to her doctor, they couldn't work out why her health wasn't improving. In the end she asked for blood tests to see if the problem was more than just her mental health. Turns out she was suffering from a low vitamin deficiency. Vitamin B12 and D. Being deficient can result in depression, anxiety, fatigue, headaches and a lot of other uncomfortable symptoms. She soon found out that if you leave the deficiencies untreated they can result in permanent damage, like brain damage. Yep, I know crazy right?

In the video she talks about what she did next, how she could help herself and take back control. From research, to doctors prescriptions and daily vitamins.

I was so shocked on how something like a vitamin deficiency can have such an impact on your mental health/well being. But after watching the video, it makes sense. It's also made me re-think some things and I am definitely going to mention this to my doctor. A lot of her symptoms and emotions I can relate to, so I guess it wouldn't hurt in finding a little bit more out.

It's worth a watch! See below ☺

Also, thank you to Lo Bosworth for sharing her story, well done for speaking up about your mental health. What an inspiration! ✌


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Yesterday I realised how reliant I have become of my medication and if I'm being honest, it scared me a little. But at the same time I thought, "wow my tablets really are working". I take Sertraline once a day and Propranolol four times a day. The Propranolol (also known as a beta-blocker) acts as a quick fix to my daily anxiety, it controls my heart rate and basically keeps me calm.

Back to yesterday anyways, I wake up and do my usual routine of making myself and S a cup of tea or coffee. I then go to take my medication only to find I have ran out of my 50mg of Sertraline, leaving me with only the 100mg which give me nasty headaches. I didn't want to take the risk of having a chronic headache for the rest of the day so I didn't take any medication. Big mistake. I could already feel my anxiety creeping up on me, I was getting myself agitated as I started to worry myself sick that I wasn't going to have a good day.

So I started to look for my e-cig to have with my morning coffee (as a release from my anxiety), I couldn't find it. Now normally it wouldn't phase me and I would of just carried on my morning as usual. But because I had no meds and now no e-cig I felt as if someone was playing a trick on me, as if I was being tested and laughed at. "Ha-ha you've got no meds and now you can't find your e-cig" said the bully in my head.

S left for work and as soon as the door closed I. Went. Crazy. I was throwing the cushions and blankets off the sofas, tipped the sofa on it's back, sliding my hands down the sides of the sofa in the hope that I could feel around for it. I looked underneath, behind... everywhere! Still couldn't find it. I then got so annoyed with myself as I had clearly misplaced it and now I couldn't find it, that I began to cry with frustration.

I text my mam, explaining what had happened and if I could pop over to hers to see her, of course she said yes. So I left the flat turned upside down and headed straight over.

On my way over there I felt so anxious that for the first time in 3 months I ended up buying a packet of 10 cigarettes. For f**ks sake, I was so mad at myself for doing that but I couldn't find my e-cig so I thought one cigarette wouldn't do any harm. Boy was I wrong. I lit my cigarette up as soon as I left the shop and started walking towards my mams. The first puff made me feel sick, how on earth did I smoke for 3 years everyday?! I kept smoking it though and eventually half way through I flicked it away. Now I felt anxious, sick, light headed and had a awful taste in my mouth.

I got to my mams and she could smell smoke on me straight away, but I explained why I had a cigarette and she understood (my mam is pretty cool and so understanding of me and my thought process). She asked the typical questions that anyone asks when you can't find something, the obvious questions like did you check here, or there and so on. Those questions made me irritable, thinking "of course I checked there, I checked bloody everywhere!". Then I felt guilty for being abrupt with her. But again, she understood and kept her cool with me. After explaining about my medication to her, she suggested that I just halved my 100mg tablet until I could get some more of my 50mg when I'm at the doctors on Tuesday. 

Anyways, I stayed there for a cuppa and chat and eventually made my way back home. Usually when I walk anywhere I puff on my e-cig, or when I used to be a smoker I'd have a cigarette. I couldn't even bring myself to have one of those cigarettes, after how the previous one made me feel I didn't see it as being worth it. So I got home, did as my mam said and halved one of my tablets, then I walk into the spare room and there it is. My e-cig. It's ridiculous how relieved I felt, it was the same feeling you get after not seeing a loved one for a while (lol).

After taking my tablet along with my beta-blocker med I was able to relax. I made myself a coffee and puffed on my e-cig whilst doing some work on my laptop. Finally, I thought.

So all that anxiety yesterday morning, all the frustration and tears and for what? There was a simple solution right in front of me, but because I became erratic I wasn't able to think straight. So, thank you Mam ❤.

I'm at the doctors on Tuesday so I'm going to tell my doctor about this, it just doesn't seem normal to get myself that wound up and anxious, the 100mg of Sertraline is too strong for me so I'm hoping there is some alternative. I know I am getting better, compared to how I was a few weeks ago I can see the difference, but still, I just want to be back to normal now. I feel trapped with anxiety some days, I need to break out of this, and soon.

Oh and incase you're wondering, I binned those cigarettes, damn it felt good!

Have you ever got so wound up over the littlest things? How did you overcome it? What did you do to calm yourself?  
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