What She Wrote ♡ L: March 2017

Omg I think this may be the longest I haven't posted in and I have missed it so much!

Time for a catch up, cuppa?

Well my first week at my new job is complete and finally I can relax, enjoy my days off again (without feeling guilty/like a "bum") and enjoy spending time at home again! I honestly feel like a whole new person, I mean obviously I am of course still taking my medication. But I think it's time to start thinking about lowering my dosage. I am ready now 😀.

I'm still going to take my anxiety pills (beta-blocker) because let's face it, I've not been miracly cured all of a sudden (if only), I'm going to suffer from anxiety for the rest of my life probably. But I feel like that's okay, I have learnt how to control my anxiety now. The depression on the other hand, controlled me, my emotions, everything.

I was so worried that time was going to start flying me by and that I was going to be unemployed and unwell for many months more. But now, I'm employed full time and I actually see a future for myself there. My relationship is great, I have made new friends already at my workplace, I am going to be able to treat my family and just generally live life again.

So I am working for a holiday resort company in a bustling office building, so far so good. People are friendly, I find it easy to be myself already, the pay is decent and it's not too far away from home, jackpot!

Training has been intense so far, learning the systems, how to take payments and the products, my goodness so much product knowledge to learn but I'm excited, 2 more weeks and I will be fully trained and on the job.

I am feeling unstoppable at the moment (hahaha). I am back to the 9-5 grind, earning money, keeping S and mines flat like a home and I am able to make plans again, at last.

Future Plans

#1 Start saving money for Silverstone (F1) weeeee!

#2 Driving Lessons (I'm 26 and haven't even got my provisional)

#3 House hunting with S can start again

#4 A new house leads to A PUG PUPPY! 🐶🐾

#5 A weekend break away with family and S at the Lake District

After writing up that plan I do realise I need a good amount of money there but hey, aim high! 😂

2017; you're starting to shape up pretty nicely after a shaky start.

How is your 2017 going? Was life looking bleak at first but recently turned itself round?

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So you've got the job, now what? Preparation is key. I go back to working full time from Tuesday so I have started to buy things that I will need to make sure my first week runs smoothly and stress-free!

I received my contract in the post today along with induction papers on what to expect whilst I am training, dress code and what's to be expected of me while I am working there. I must have signed my name and contact details about a hundred times 😂.

Whilst I am preparing for my new job I thought it would be a good idea to share how I prepare, as starting a new job can be nerve-wracking and stressful, as well as exciting.

Read into the company/organisation

You can do this by looking on their website, social media pages and there is a website full of reviews, interview processes, salary and more from employees and ex-employees. You can visit the page here at Glassdoor.

Purchase new stationary

If you're anything like me, you'll love buying new notepads and pens. I like to get pretty notepads as it adds a personal touch and makes organising more fun. Getting fresh new stationary helps you to get in the right frame of mind for work, yesterday I got myself a work diary as well as a blog diary. Once I start work again I know it is going to be hard for me to post every other day (like I try to at the moment), so by making notes of post ideas it'll help to keep me inspired when I eventually get the chance to sit down and write!

Eat healthy

Now I wish I had started this months ago, but in recent weeks I have been making sure I have my 5 a day. Eating well will not only have you looking trim and healthy but it will also stop you from feeling so sluggish and tired. My favourites at the moment are steamed kale, sweet potato mash with fresh chicken. It looks good on the plate (for those foodographers out there) and it tastes even better. I was reading up about the benefits of eating kale and I was so shocked at how flipping good it is for you. Have a read for yourselves here.

Update your wardrobe

Like I need an excuse to shop for clothes? (lol). But yes a new wardrobe is crucial, I mean I'm not talking about a massive shopping haul here but key pieces. Cute smart tops, a couple of pair of smart trousers/jeans and of course a good pair of shoes! I went shopping yesterday and purchased a few blouses and also had a good dig around my wardrobe and managed to pull out tops I forgot I even had! So before you got out on a spending spree have a look through your wardrobe first 😉. Luckily for me my dress code at work is smart/casual, so a cute blouse, a good fitting pair of jeans and some little booties will be my work attire. Simple and no yucky restricting uniform.

Last but not least, GOOD LUCK! 💗

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Yep you read that right, I got the job! Ahhhh *shakes booty*. I am now working in the travel and tourism industry and finally back in the working world.

It's been 3 months since I quit my last job and with only one wage coming in, money was becoming a struggle. S has been working 7 days a week for the last 4 weeks just to make sure we have enough money for rent and other living costs, and me? Well I have been the typical housewife! Never did I think that phrase would come out of my mouth 😂. Cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on is a role I never thought I'd take on. My god, no way - ask my Mam. The number of times she would come into my room and pass a sarcastic remark about the collection of glasses, cups or bowls... well I lost count of (sorry Mam🙈).

These past few month I feel like I have finally grown up, I've learned about the value of money and I've gotten to know myself a lot better too. Initially, I did feel guilty about quitting my job due to my mental health and how it was going to affect S and me financially, but if you haven't got your health what have you got? I've needed this time off for me. To sort myself out and to figure out where the hell I wanted to go, career wise.

I was so lost last year, I ended up being on the sick twice from my job. Looking back I think the job played a part in the anxiety. I loved my job until maybe the last 4-5 months. I dreaded the night before work, I wouldn't sleep properly, I cried every other day. It was so exhausting.

In the end I was sad for most of the time and eventually my work mates picked up on it. Some sympathized, some expressed that they feel the same sometimes and then there was one person in particular, the big B. Not many people liked big B at work, three words spring to mind. Patronising-sexist-arsehole. It wasn't always bad - I have made a couple of life long friends there, I'm not quite sure what happened just everyone's mood changed and team morale was pretty shit.

Anyways, that's in the past now, finally! I now have a fresh new start coming up in the next few days and I can't wait. If there is one thing I love about myself, it's my determination. Goodbye Fashion, Hello TT! (I'm still a little excited.. can you tell?)

🙈

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For the past year or so I have been reflecting a lot about how I imagined my life to be at this age.

The Hope:

I envisioned I'd be in my dream job that the 3 years of university helped me achieve, have a big group of friends, be married, with a child or two and own my own home with my partner.

The Truth:

I am currently in between jobs, my university degree has done bugger all for me, I have a small group of close friends, I'm living with my long term boyfriend in a rented 2 bedroom flat and my finances are shocking.

However I have been brought up to always see the glass as half full as opposed to half empty. Yes I may not be employed right now but I do have job interviews coming up and to be honest, in these last couple of months of me being unemployed I feel I have really needed this time to sort my mental health out and re think my career options. I think back to how my last job made me feel, I worked full time in retail and it was honestly soul destroying. You are dispensable in that sector. I have always strived for a job where I am valued and indispensable. A job where you look forward to going in every day. My mam has always said to me if you get a job you enjoy you'll never have to work a day in your life. (More wise words from Mumma B).

Anyways right now, that is what I am trying to achieve. I now know that yes I have a big interest in fashion but is working in the fashion industry for me? Nah, I don't think so anymore. It is such a cut throat industry and I am a very sensitive and caring person that I just don't see myself fitting into that environment anymore.

So what have I done about it? Well after reading through my CV a few times, doing online skill tests, talking with national careers advisors and attending job interviews in industries that I am not used to I have learned more about myself, what I am capable of and more importantly what I want. I have attended job interviews with banks, care homes, travel shops and tomorrow I have a interview to work in a office based travel agents with the UKs leading holiday park resorts. So yep, I am pretty excited and dare I say hopeful!

As for my university degree, well I think it is safe to say that it was a waste of time, so much so that I am not even going to delve into that aspect of my life right now. I guess I am still bitter about it, but maybe I only have myself to blame. In my last year I didn't push myself nearly half as hard as I did in my first two years. When I'm ready to, I'll talk about it 😔.

Friends, well they come and they go don't they? I have a lot of acquaintances that if effort was made on both sides, I'd be able to say I had a big group of friends. But life gets in the way, we grow up and sometimes grow out of each other. Personally I much prefer having a small group of good friends as opposed to having a big group of fake friends. Quality over quantity.

One of the best things in my life at the moment is my relationship with my boyfriend, S. Despite my mental health and financial problems we always overcome obstacles that life puts in the way. I guess that is what you call a real relationship. I've got his back and he's got mine. He loves and supports me in every way possible and I can now say for the first time in my life, I feel safe and secure knowing he is by my side. (n'awww.) ❤

The financial side of my life has created a lot of anxiety for me over the past few years and it's only been recently that I have managed to take control of it. Well I say that but, it was actually with the help of my grandparents (amazing of them). My financial problems all started while I was studying, so seeing as I now see my degree as waste you can imagine how I feel about it 😒.

The point in this post? Well in all honesty I didn't plan on writing or even sharing this post, but the thoughts and words came to me and just kept typing. I guess it's a little insight to my life and it's helped me see what I DO have and what I should be thankful for. So I hope you've read this and been able to relate in some way and remember, the glass is always half full.

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Yesterday I realised how reliant I have become of my medication and if I'm being honest, it scared me a little. But at the same time I thought, "wow my tablets really are working". I take Sertraline once a day and Propranolol four times a day. The Propranolol (also known as a beta-blocker) acts as a quick fix to my daily anxiety, it controls my heart rate and basically keeps me calm.

Back to yesterday anyways, I wake up and do my usual routine of making myself and S a cup of tea or coffee. I then go to take my medication only to find I have ran out of my 50mg of Sertraline, leaving me with only the 100mg which give me nasty headaches. I didn't want to take the risk of having a chronic headache for the rest of the day so I didn't take any medication. Big mistake. I could already feel my anxiety creeping up on me, I was getting myself agitated as I started to worry myself sick that I wasn't going to have a good day.

So I started to look for my e-cig to have with my morning coffee (as a release from my anxiety), I couldn't find it. Now normally it wouldn't phase me and I would of just carried on my morning as usual. But because I had no meds and now no e-cig I felt as if someone was playing a trick on me, as if I was being tested and laughed at. "Ha-ha you've got no meds and now you can't find your e-cig" said the bully in my head.

S left for work and as soon as the door closed I. Went. Crazy. I was throwing the cushions and blankets off the sofas, tipped the sofa on it's back, sliding my hands down the sides of the sofa in the hope that I could feel around for it. I looked underneath, behind... everywhere! Still couldn't find it. I then got so annoyed with myself as I had clearly misplaced it and now I couldn't find it, that I began to cry with frustration.

I text my mam, explaining what had happened and if I could pop over to hers to see her, of course she said yes. So I left the flat turned upside down and headed straight over.

On my way over there I felt so anxious that for the first time in 3 months I ended up buying a packet of 10 cigarettes. For f**ks sake, I was so mad at myself for doing that but I couldn't find my e-cig so I thought one cigarette wouldn't do any harm. Boy was I wrong. I lit my cigarette up as soon as I left the shop and started walking towards my mams. The first puff made me feel sick, how on earth did I smoke for 3 years everyday?! I kept smoking it though and eventually half way through I flicked it away. Now I felt anxious, sick, light headed and had a awful taste in my mouth.

I got to my mams and she could smell smoke on me straight away, but I explained why I had a cigarette and she understood (my mam is pretty cool and so understanding of me and my thought process). She asked the typical questions that anyone asks when you can't find something, the obvious questions like did you check here, or there and so on. Those questions made me irritable, thinking "of course I checked there, I checked bloody everywhere!". Then I felt guilty for being abrupt with her. But again, she understood and kept her cool with me. After explaining about my medication to her, she suggested that I just halved my 100mg tablet until I could get some more of my 50mg when I'm at the doctors on Tuesday.

Anyways, I stayed there for a cuppa and chat and eventually made my way back home. Usually when I walk anywhere I puff on my e-cig, or when I used to be a smoker I'd have a cigarette. I couldn't even bring myself to have one of those cigarettes, after how the previous one made me feel I didn't see it as being worth it. So I got home, did as my mam said and halved one of my tablets, then I walk into the spare room and there it is. My e-cig. It's ridiculous how relieved I felt, it was the same feeling you get after not seeing a loved one for a while (lol).

After taking my tablet along with my beta-blocker med I was able to relax. I made myself a coffee and puffed on my e-cig whilst doing some work on my laptop. Finally, I thought.

So all that anxiety yesterday morning, all the frustration and tears and for what? There was a simple solution right in front of me, but because I became erratic I wasn't able to think straight. So, thank you Mam ❤.

I'm at the doctors on Tuesday so I'm going to tell my doctor about this, it just doesn't seem normal to get myself that wound up and anxious, the 100mg of Sertraline is too strong for me so I'm hoping there is some alternative. I know I am getting better, compared to how I was a few weeks ago I can see the difference, but still, I just want to be back to normal now. I feel trapped with anxiety some days, I need to break out of this, and soon.

Oh and incase you're wondering, I binned those cigarettes, damn it felt good!

Have you ever got so wound up over the littlest things? How did you overcome it? What did you do to calm yourself?

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MIND|FUL|NESS

Definition: A mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Basically, slow down and listen to your body and mind.

Over the past 2 years practising and talking about mindfulness has become very popular, reason being is that we have all become too busy and neglected the importance of taking time out for ourselves.

We are not allowing ourselves to switch off. For example, when I am alone at home I have a tendency of just switching the TV on, with no intention of even watching it. I just use it as background noise as a distraction from my own thoughts.

Now how many of you can just sit and watch a movie or just general TV without picking up your phone to aimlessly scroll through social media? I know I'm guilty of this, urgh. Unless I am doing something that requires concentration (like blogging) I just get bored, or even anxious. My anxiety starts because I'm just sitting and over thinking (jeez I do some over thinking) about things that in all honesty do not matter or I end up over thinking to the point where I make assumptions and convince myself that its fact, when in reality it's complete fiction.

Before you know it, it's bedtime and you remember something you forgot to do that day maybe something at work, contacting someone or even something as little as doing the laundry. Then it begins all over again, the anxiety. Now you're lying in bed wide awake, thinking about the thing you needed and should do, your stomach is now crippled with anxiety and you can't sleep.

Why do we do it to ourselves? It's crazy talk.

These days we all live such fast paced lives we forget to be in the moment, we forget to just breathe and live.

Practising mindfulness however can help you deal with those emotions. It can help you become aware to what is around you and what you're missing out on by becoming so wrapped up in your anxieties.

So how did I take the first step and begin to take back control of my mind? Here's how:

Read.
I started to read books on practising mindfulness or reading autobiographies of people who suffered from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). I recommend A Mindfulness Guide for the Frazzled by Ruby Wax, who has written a series of books all linked to mental health. I also recommend We're All Mad Here by Claire Eastham a girl who suffered from anxiety and how she dealt with it. I used to be an avid reader when I was younger but as I got into my teen years I became disinterested, however since discovering these genre of books I find it hard to put the book down! So if you're reading this thinking "urgh but I don't enjoy reading" or "books are for nerds", I thought that and now I'm sitting here giving out recommendations.

Enjoy the silence.
Turn off your TV, your phone, the radio - anything that distracts your mind. Now just sit there and breathe. Okay so now maybe you're starting to think (over think) of whatever has been niggling at you all day, but just keep breathing through those thoughts. Think about those thoughts from a different perspective, as if it's your friends issue. Now think about what you would say to them, how would you advise and distract them from it? Looking at things from a different perspective gives you the chance to take a step back for a second and again, breathe. Eventually you will recognise the emotions and thoughts without torturing yourself. You'll learn to take control of those emotions before they get a hold of you. Anxiety is like a bully in your head, it makes you second guess yourself and everyone/thing around you, don't let it. Stamp it out.

Look after yourself.
When my anxiety peaks, I tend to just let it get me emotionally and physically. I can sometimes go all day without eating a thing on my worst days. Then right before bedtime I would get so hungry I would end up binge eating, and not on healthy stuff. Pizza, cakes, doughnuts you name it - I ate it. My stomach would be so bad with anxiety it was as if a swarm of wasps were trapped inside, so I would just lose my appetite. Eventually I knew I couldn't go on like that, it made me feel lethargic and it showed in my face. I had dark circles under my eyes, I looked drawn and pale. So I did something about it, I looked into healthy lifestyles, read blogs and did a few YouTube searches and came across Revolutionary Yoga (I think I mentioned this in my previous post, Self Help) and every morning I get up, have some breakfast, put down my yoga mat and begin the class - in the comfort of my own living room might I add! As well as that I ditched the crappy food and if I fancied something sweet I opted for fruit instead. Everything is about training your mind first and then it shows in your body.

Also if you're a smoker - BIN THEM, NOW and purchase (if you need to) an electronic cigarette. Smoking makes you feel sluggish and for me, it sometimes made me feel light headed and just generally unhealthy.

So in short, open up your mind and read books, turn off your devices, log out of social media, eat well and at suitable times, start exercising, stop smoking and allow yourself to be in the moment, don't be afraid of your OWN voice, tell the bully in your mind "nope not today!" and live your life.

Thanks for reading, I know I can ramble on sometimes 🙈.

What do you do when you're feeling anxious? How do you practice mindfulness?

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I was supposed to post this up days ago but I have had a weird few days! The weekend wasn't a good one, spent most of it anxious and sad and then on Monday it was my birthday. So far 26 is not serving me well, I've got to laugh really or else I'll cry - again 😆 ffs. Anyways enough about that for now, as promised I have created a list on ways of practising self-help.

Yoga

I started practising yoga in January and I absolutely love it. It makes you feel good in the mind, body and soul. I started to follow Adriene a yoga enthusiast who posts yoga classes to her YouTube page. She makes it fun to learn in the comfort of your own home, she is motivates you throughout and she is pretty funny too. Join in on the yoga revolution here!

Start a journal/blog

Whether it is a personal diary for just you or a blog like this, getting your thoughts and feelings out does wonders for your soul.

Take that nap

...and do not feel guilty about it.

Mindfulness books

Read books about your own mental illness as they give you insight into other peoples stories, how they dealt with it, how they overcame it and how to stay on that road to recovery. I have been reading a book called We're All Mad Here by Claire Eastham who is a fellow blogger about her anxiety. I could relate to just about the whole book, she is such a honest writer. She gives advice, tips and shares experiences and situations she has found herself in. Read her inspiring blog here.

Scented Candles

I am obsessed with scented candles! I have them in just about every room of my home, they create a warming atmosphere and sweet smelling fragrance. Perfect in helping you to unwind/distress. When my anxiety is hard to deal I like to make myself a nice hot drink, light some candles and read a book to help me relax.

Herbal Tea

Camomile and Chai tea are my personal favourites. I shop for mine at Marks and Spencers as they are the tastiest and they aren't badly priced either! Lovely to have before bedtime ☺

What do you do to help you de-stress? Have you any other useful self-help tips? Let me know ❤

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