Yesterday I realised how reliant I have become of my medication and if I'm being honest, it scared me a little. But at the same time I thought, "wow my tablets really are working". I take Sertraline once a day and Propranolol four times a day. The Propranolol (also known as a beta-blocker) acts as a quick fix to my daily anxiety, it controls my heart rate and basically keeps me calm.

Back to yesterday anyways, I wake up and do my usual routine of making myself and S a cup of tea or coffee. I then go to take my medication only to find I have ran out of my 50mg of Sertraline, leaving me with only the 100mg which give me nasty headaches. I didn't want to take the risk of having a chronic headache for the rest of the day so I didn't take any medication. Big mistake. I could already feel my anxiety creeping up on me, I was getting myself agitated as I started to worry myself sick that I wasn't going to have a good day.

So I started to look for my e-cig to have with my morning coffee (as a release from my anxiety), I couldn't find it. Now normally it wouldn't phase me and I would of just carried on my morning as usual. But because I had no meds and now no e-cig I felt as if someone was playing a trick on me, as if I was being tested and laughed at. "Ha-ha you've got no meds and now you can't find your e-cig" said the bully in my head.

S left for work and as soon as the door closed I. Went. Crazy. I was throwing the cushions and blankets off the sofas, tipped the sofa on it's back, sliding my hands down the sides of the sofa in the hope that I could feel around for it. I looked underneath, behind... everywhere! Still couldn't find it. I then got so annoyed with myself as I had clearly misplaced it and now I couldn't find it, that I began to cry with frustration.

I text my mam, explaining what had happened and if I could pop over to hers to see her, of course she said yes. So I left the flat turned upside down and headed straight over.

On my way over there I felt so anxious that for the first time in 3 months I ended up buying a packet of 10 cigarettes. For f**ks sake, I was so mad at myself for doing that but I couldn't find my e-cig so I thought one cigarette wouldn't do any harm. Boy was I wrong. I lit my cigarette up as soon as I left the shop and started walking towards my mams. The first puff made me feel sick, how on earth did I smoke for 3 years everyday?! I kept smoking it though and eventually half way through I flicked it away. Now I felt anxious, sick, light headed and had a awful taste in my mouth.

I got to my mams and she could smell smoke on me straight away, but I explained why I had a cigarette and she understood (my mam is pretty cool and so understanding of me and my thought process). She asked the typical questions that anyone asks when you can't find something, the obvious questions like did you check here, or there and so on. Those questions made me irritable, thinking "of course I checked there, I checked bloody everywhere!". Then I felt guilty for being abrupt with her. But again, she understood and kept her cool with me. After explaining about my medication to her, she suggested that I just halved my 100mg tablet until I could get some more of my 50mg when I'm at the doctors on Tuesday. 

Anyways, I stayed there for a cuppa and chat and eventually made my way back home. Usually when I walk anywhere I puff on my e-cig, or when I used to be a smoker I'd have a cigarette. I couldn't even bring myself to have one of those cigarettes, after how the previous one made me feel I didn't see it as being worth it. So I got home, did as my mam said and halved one of my tablets, then I walk into the spare room and there it is. My e-cig. It's ridiculous how relieved I felt, it was the same feeling you get after not seeing a loved one for a while (lol).

After taking my tablet along with my beta-blocker med I was able to relax. I made myself a coffee and puffed on my e-cig whilst doing some work on my laptop. Finally, I thought.

So all that anxiety yesterday morning, all the frustration and tears and for what? There was a simple solution right in front of me, but because I became erratic I wasn't able to think straight. So, thank you Mam ❤.

I'm at the doctors on Tuesday so I'm going to tell my doctor about this, it just doesn't seem normal to get myself that wound up and anxious, the 100mg of Sertraline is too strong for me so I'm hoping there is some alternative. I know I am getting better, compared to how I was a few weeks ago I can see the difference, but still, I just want to be back to normal now. I feel trapped with anxiety some days, I need to break out of this, and soon.

Oh and incase you're wondering, I binned those cigarettes, damn it felt good!

Have you ever got so wound up over the littlest things? How did you overcome it? What did you do to calm yourself?