What She Wrote ♡ L

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Well as if it has been 8 months since my last post (that post was long overdue too!). So much has happened, changed and improved this year - it's been quite a good year actually.

Okay just to recap and catch you all up...I overcame my depression, I got back into work, a new furry addition to the house hold, Miley, 4 days camping at the amazing Silverstone Formula 1, we moved house and I got a promotion!

I'll start by introducing Miley - she has been a bundle of joy, that is forgetting the multiple plants she has destroyed/eaten and the food she has stolen (typical kitty behavior i guess) - but it has been a pleasure having her, she has helped me overcome my anxiety on being alone. Having her has been a real test on myself and S, having that extra responsibility has been tough but we've got a hang of it now. He loves her too... (as much as he denies it!) he does. She brings so many laughs to our new home. 

We eventually got out of the flat and into a beautiful semi detached home, so much more space that even the cat has her own room! Being at the flat was hard, we argued a lot and having a kitty run around made it even harder. We moved at the right time, now we have an upstairs and a downstairs with a garden and a garage, and although that might just be the norm to some people, it's an achievement to us. 

Of course with a bigger and better house became more bills, but after a month of moving in (August 1st) i landed myself a promotion within the company. Marketing Assistant! Basically I am heavily involved in the production of brochures, emails and any other marketing material. Although my degree is in Fashion, i am over the moon that it hasn't gone to waste in the end - it's hopefully going to be the start of something great!

Anyways my NY resolution is to keep my blog up to date, figured a quick catch up of my 2017 was a good place to start. I'll be back soon, it's Christmas, a 9pm Christmas movie will be starting soon and the tin of Roses is staring at me! 
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First of all I want to say... I'm baaack! As if it has been a month since my last blog post. Work has pretty much been my main focus for the past few weeks and on my days off I have been spending time with family and S. Today has been the first day where I have been able to make the time to chill out and blog, I have however been scribbling down blog notes when it's been a little quiet at work (that's the beauty of working in a office!)

So I guess I should catch you all up!

My job in the travel industry is going fantastic, I have really found my feet and feel like it's a place I could really settle down in. The money isn't too bad plus I'm on commission, so the harder I work the more money I'll make. A rewarding job, at last.

S and me are in a good place right now, starting to save for our holiday (Silverstone) in July as well as being able to do up our flat ☺🏡. We spent the whole of last weekend (bank holiday) decorating our bedroom and yesterday we eventually got our bed (which we waited 5 weeks for by the way..) fuck you Littlewoods! I tell you what though it must have been the worlds most anticipated bed 😂. We were stupidly happy when it arrived, I mean c'mon we had been sleeping on a mattress on the floor for 2 months!

Anyway there are no longer any stresses about money and S and me are able to enjoy life again, we are even talking about getting a joint membership at our local sports centre next week. That'll open up a load of stuff for us to do together and keeping fit along the way 💑💪.

My mental health, well it has definitely improved... I am no longer a paranoid-crazy-insecure-mess (fs.) But then Friday night happened. I have no idea where it came from, but a build up of anxiety fast turned into a full blown panic attack/breakdown. I ended up screaming, crying and eventually kicking the crap out of my bathroom unit. I hadn't took my tablets for about 3 days and I think the effects of not doing so ended up with me crying a river... literally. My eyes yesterday morning were so puffy from crying I could barely open them in the morning, why do I do it to myself?

I have started taking my tablets again, rookie mistake... like last year! I felt as though I didn't need them anymore, when in reality I sooo clearly do.

I promise to not leave it as long as this till my next post, I have lots to share with you all!

Take care, enjoy your week ✌

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Omg I think this may be the longest I haven't posted in and I have missed it so much!

Time for a catch up, cuppa?

Well my first week at my new job is complete and finally I can relax, enjoy my days off again (without feeling guilty/like a "bum") and enjoy spending time at home again! I honestly feel like a whole new person, I mean obviously I am of course still taking my medication. But I think it's time to start thinking about lowering my dosage. I am ready now 😀.

I'm still going to take my anxiety pills (beta-blocker) because let's face it, I've not been miracly cured all of a sudden (if only),  I'm going to suffer from anxiety for the rest of my life probably. But I feel like that's okay, I have learnt how to control my anxiety now. The depression on the other hand, controlled me, my emotions, everything.

I was so worried that time was going to start flying me by and that I was going to be unemployed and unwell for many months more. But now, I'm employed full time and I actually see a future for myself there. My relationship is great, I have made new friends already at my workplace, I am going to be able to treat my family and just generally live life again.

So I am working for a holiday resort company in a bustling office building, so far so good. People are friendly, I find it easy to be myself already, the pay is decent and it's not too far away from home, jackpot!

Training has been intense so far, learning the systems, how to take payments and the products, my goodness so much product knowledge to learn but I'm excited, 2 more weeks and I will be fully trained and on the job.

I am feeling unstoppable at the moment (hahaha). I am back to the 9-5 grind, earning money, keeping S and mines flat like a home and I am able to make plans again, at last.

Future Plans

#1 Start saving money for Silverstone (F1) weeeee!
#2 Driving Lessons (I'm 26 and haven't even got my provisional)
#3 House hunting with S can start again
#4 A new house leads to A PUG PUPPY! 🐶🐾
#5 A weekend break away with family and S at the Lake District

After writing up that plan I do realise I need a good amount of money there but hey, aim high! 😂

2017; you're starting to shape up pretty nicely after a shaky start.



How is your 2017 going? Was life looking bleak at first but recently turned itself round?
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So you've got the job, now what? Preparation is key. I go back to working full time from Tuesday so I have started to buy things that I will need to make sure my first week runs smoothly and stress-free!

I received my contract in the post today along with induction papers on what to expect whilst I am training, dress code and what's to be expected of me while I am working there. I must have signed my name and contact details about a hundred times 😂.

Whilst I am preparing for my new job I thought it would be a good idea to share how I prepare, as starting a new job can be nerve-wracking and stressful, as well as exciting.

Read into the company/organisation
You can do this by looking on their website, social media pages and there is a website full of reviews, interview processes, salary and more from employees and ex-employees.  You can visit the page here at Glassdoor.

Purchase new stationary
If you're anything like me, you'll love buying new notepads and pens. I like to get pretty notepads as it adds a personal touch and makes organising more fun. Getting fresh new stationary helps you to get in the right frame of mind for work, yesterday I got myself a work diary as well as a blog diary. Once I start work again I know it is going to be hard for me to post every other day (like I try to at the moment), so by making notes of post ideas it'll help to keep me inspired when I eventually get the chance to sit down and write!

Eat healthy
Now I wish I had started this months ago, but in recent weeks I have been  making sure I have my 5 a day. Eating well will not only have you looking trim and healthy but it will also stop you from feeling so sluggish and tired. My favourites at the moment are steamed kale, sweet potato mash with fresh chicken. It looks good on the plate (for those foodographers out there) and it tastes even better. I was reading up about the benefits of eating kale and I was so shocked at how flipping good it is for you. Have a read for yourselves here.

Update your wardrobe
Like I need an excuse to shop for clothes? (lol). But yes a new wardrobe is crucial, I mean I'm not talking about a massive shopping haul here but key pieces. Cute smart tops, a couple of pair of smart trousers/jeans and of course a good pair of shoes! I went shopping yesterday and purchased a few blouses and also had a good dig around my wardrobe and managed to pull out tops I forgot I even had! So before you got out on a spending spree have a look through your wardrobe first 😉. Luckily for me my dress code at work is smart/casual, so a cute blouse, a good fitting pair of jeans and some little booties will be my work attire. Simple and no yucky restricting uniform.

Last but not least, GOOD LUCK! 💗

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Yep you read that right, I got the job! Ahhhh *shakes booty*. I am now working in the travel and tourism industry and finally back in the working world.

It's been 3 months since I quit my last job and with only one wage coming in, money was becoming a struggle. S has been working 7 days a week for the last 4 weeks just to make sure we have enough money for rent and other living costs, and me? Well I have been the typical housewife! Never did I think that phrase would come out of  my mouth 😂. Cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on is a role I never thought I'd take on. My god, no way - ask my Mam. The number of times she would come into my room and pass a sarcastic remark about the collection of glasses, cups or bowls... well I lost count of (sorry Mam🙈).

These past few month I feel like I have finally grown up, I've learned about the value of money and I've gotten to know myself a lot better too. Initially, I did feel guilty about quitting my job due to my mental health and how it was going to affect S and me financially, but if you haven't got your health what have you got? I've needed this time off for me. To sort myself out and to figure out where the hell I wanted to go, career wise.

I was so lost last year, I ended up being on the sick twice from my job. Looking back I think the job played a part in the anxiety. I loved my job until maybe the last 4-5 months. I dreaded the night before work, I wouldn't sleep properly, I cried every other day. It was so exhausting.

In the end I was sad for most of the time and eventually my work mates picked up on it. Some sympathized, some expressed that they feel the same sometimes and then there was one person in particular, the big B. Not many people liked big B at work, three words spring to mind. Patronising-sexist-arsehole. It wasn't always bad - I have made a couple of life long friends there, I'm not quite sure what happened just everyone's mood changed and team morale was pretty shit.

Anyways, that's in the past now, finally! I now have a fresh new start coming up in the next few days and I can't wait. If there is one thing I love about myself, it's my determination. Goodbye Fashion, Hello TT! (I'm still a little excited.. can you tell?)

🙈

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For the past year or so I have been reflecting a lot about how I imagined my life to be at this age.


The Hope:
I envisioned I'd be in my dream job that the 3 years of university helped me achieve, have a big group of friends, be married, with a child or two and own my own home with my partner.

The Truth:
I am currently in between jobs, my university degree has done bugger all for me, I have a small group of close friends, I'm living with my long term boyfriend in a rented 2 bedroom flat and my finances are shocking.

However I have been brought up to always see the glass as half full as opposed to half empty. Yes I may not be employed right now but I do have job interviews coming up and to be honest, in these last couple of months of me being unemployed I feel I have really needed this time to sort my mental health out and re think my career options. I think back to how my last job made me feel, I worked full time in retail and it was honestly soul destroying. You are dispensable in that sector. I have always strived for a job where I am valued and indispensable. A job where you look forward to going in every day. My mam has always said to me if you get a job you enjoy you'll never have to work a day in your life. (More wise words from Mumma B).

Anyways right now, that is what I am trying to achieve. I now know that yes I have a big interest in fashion but is working in the fashion industry for me? Nah, I don't think so anymore. It is such a cut throat industry and I am a very sensitive and caring person that I just don't see myself fitting into that environment anymore.

So what have I done about it? Well after reading through my CV a few times, doing online skill tests, talking with national careers advisors and attending job interviews in industries that I am not used to I have learned more about myself, what I am capable of and more importantly what I want. I have attended job interviews with banks, care homes, travel shops and tomorrow I have a interview to work in a office based travel agents with the UKs leading holiday park resorts. So yep, I am pretty excited and dare I say hopeful!

As for my university degree, well I think it is safe to say that it was a waste of time, so much so that I am not even going to delve into that aspect of my life right now. I guess I am still bitter about it, but maybe I only have myself to blame. In my last year I didn't push myself nearly half as hard as I did in my first two years. When I'm ready to, I'll talk about it 😔.

Friends, well they come and they go don't they? I have a lot of acquaintances that if effort was made on both sides, I'd be able to say I had a big group of friends. But life gets in the way, we grow up and sometimes grow out of each other. Personally I much prefer having a small group of good friends as opposed to having a big group of fake friends. Quality over quantity.

One of the best things in my life at the moment is my relationship with my boyfriend, S. Despite my mental health and financial problems we always overcome obstacles that life puts in the way. I guess that is what you call a real relationship. I've got his back and he's got mine. He loves and supports me in every way possible and I can now say for the first time in my life, I feel safe and secure knowing he is by my side. (n'awww.) ❤

The financial side of my life has created a lot of anxiety for me over the past few years and it's only been recently that I have managed to take control of it. Well I say that but, it was actually with the help of my grandparents (amazing of them). My financial problems all started while I was studying, so seeing as I now see my degree as waste you can imagine how I feel about it 😒.

The point in this post? Well in all honesty I didn't plan on writing or even sharing this post, but the thoughts and words came to me and just kept typing. I guess it's a little insight to my life and it's helped me see what I DO have and what I should be thankful for. So I hope you've read this and been able to relate in some way and remember, the glass is always half full.
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Photo Credit: @LoBosworth
Who is Lo Bosworth? You're probably thinking, right? Well, if you remember me talking about how obsessed I was with the TV show The Hills, she was one of the stars and BFF with my idol Lauren Conrad. 

She has opened up about why she went quiet throughout most of 2016, due to her depression and anxiety. To give you a brief outline she started to suffer from low mood at the end of 2015, going into 2016 it got significantly worse. Her mood wasn't improving and anxiety and depression began to take over her life. She was put on anti-depressants, they didn't work. So she kept going back to her doctor, they couldn't work out why her health wasn't improving. In the end she asked for blood tests to see if the problem was more than just her mental health. Turns out she was suffering from a low vitamin deficiency. Vitamin B12 and D. Being deficient can result in depression, anxiety, fatigue, headaches and a lot of other uncomfortable symptoms. She soon found out that if you leave the deficiencies untreated they can result in permanent damage, like brain damage. Yep, I know crazy right?

In the video she talks about what she did next, how she could help herself and take back control. From research, to doctors prescriptions and daily vitamins.

I was so shocked on how something like a vitamin deficiency can have such an impact on your mental health/well being. But after watching the video, it makes sense. It's also made me re-think some things and I am definitely going to mention this to my doctor. A lot of her symptoms and emotions I can relate to, so I guess it wouldn't hurt in finding a little bit more out.

It's worth a watch! See below ☺

Also, thank you to Lo Bosworth for sharing her story, well done for speaking up about your mental health. What an inspiration! ✌


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Yesterday I realised how reliant I have become of my medication and if I'm being honest, it scared me a little. But at the same time I thought, "wow my tablets really are working". I take Sertraline once a day and Propranolol four times a day. The Propranolol (also known as a beta-blocker) acts as a quick fix to my daily anxiety, it controls my heart rate and basically keeps me calm.

Back to yesterday anyways, I wake up and do my usual routine of making myself and S a cup of tea or coffee. I then go to take my medication only to find I have ran out of my 50mg of Sertraline, leaving me with only the 100mg which give me nasty headaches. I didn't want to take the risk of having a chronic headache for the rest of the day so I didn't take any medication. Big mistake. I could already feel my anxiety creeping up on me, I was getting myself agitated as I started to worry myself sick that I wasn't going to have a good day.

So I started to look for my e-cig to have with my morning coffee (as a release from my anxiety), I couldn't find it. Now normally it wouldn't phase me and I would of just carried on my morning as usual. But because I had no meds and now no e-cig I felt as if someone was playing a trick on me, as if I was being tested and laughed at. "Ha-ha you've got no meds and now you can't find your e-cig" said the bully in my head.

S left for work and as soon as the door closed I. Went. Crazy. I was throwing the cushions and blankets off the sofas, tipped the sofa on it's back, sliding my hands down the sides of the sofa in the hope that I could feel around for it. I looked underneath, behind... everywhere! Still couldn't find it. I then got so annoyed with myself as I had clearly misplaced it and now I couldn't find it, that I began to cry with frustration.

I text my mam, explaining what had happened and if I could pop over to hers to see her, of course she said yes. So I left the flat turned upside down and headed straight over.

On my way over there I felt so anxious that for the first time in 3 months I ended up buying a packet of 10 cigarettes. For f**ks sake, I was so mad at myself for doing that but I couldn't find my e-cig so I thought one cigarette wouldn't do any harm. Boy was I wrong. I lit my cigarette up as soon as I left the shop and started walking towards my mams. The first puff made me feel sick, how on earth did I smoke for 3 years everyday?! I kept smoking it though and eventually half way through I flicked it away. Now I felt anxious, sick, light headed and had a awful taste in my mouth.

I got to my mams and she could smell smoke on me straight away, but I explained why I had a cigarette and she understood (my mam is pretty cool and so understanding of me and my thought process). She asked the typical questions that anyone asks when you can't find something, the obvious questions like did you check here, or there and so on. Those questions made me irritable, thinking "of course I checked there, I checked bloody everywhere!". Then I felt guilty for being abrupt with her. But again, she understood and kept her cool with me. After explaining about my medication to her, she suggested that I just halved my 100mg tablet until I could get some more of my 50mg when I'm at the doctors on Tuesday. 

Anyways, I stayed there for a cuppa and chat and eventually made my way back home. Usually when I walk anywhere I puff on my e-cig, or when I used to be a smoker I'd have a cigarette. I couldn't even bring myself to have one of those cigarettes, after how the previous one made me feel I didn't see it as being worth it. So I got home, did as my mam said and halved one of my tablets, then I walk into the spare room and there it is. My e-cig. It's ridiculous how relieved I felt, it was the same feeling you get after not seeing a loved one for a while (lol).

After taking my tablet along with my beta-blocker med I was able to relax. I made myself a coffee and puffed on my e-cig whilst doing some work on my laptop. Finally, I thought.

So all that anxiety yesterday morning, all the frustration and tears and for what? There was a simple solution right in front of me, but because I became erratic I wasn't able to think straight. So, thank you Mam ❤.

I'm at the doctors on Tuesday so I'm going to tell my doctor about this, it just doesn't seem normal to get myself that wound up and anxious, the 100mg of Sertraline is too strong for me so I'm hoping there is some alternative. I know I am getting better, compared to how I was a few weeks ago I can see the difference, but still, I just want to be back to normal now. I feel trapped with anxiety some days, I need to break out of this, and soon.

Oh and incase you're wondering, I binned those cigarettes, damn it felt good!

Have you ever got so wound up over the littlest things? How did you overcome it? What did you do to calm yourself?  
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MIND|FUL|NESS

Definition: A mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Basically, slow down and listen to your body and mind.

Over the past 2 years practising and talking about mindfulness has become very popular, reason being is that we have all become too busy and neglected the importance of taking time out for ourselves.

We are not allowing ourselves to switch off. For example, when I am alone at home I have a tendency of just switching the TV on, with no intention of even watching it. I just use it as background noise as a distraction from my own thoughts.

Now how many of you can just sit and watch a movie or just general TV without picking up your phone to aimlessly scroll through social media? I know I'm guilty of this, urgh. Unless I am doing something that requires concentration (like blogging) I just get bored, or even anxious. My anxiety starts because I'm just sitting and over thinking (jeez I do some over thinking) about things that in all honesty do not matter or I end up over thinking to the point where I make assumptions and convince myself that its fact, when in reality it's complete fiction.

Before you know it, it's bedtime and you remember something you forgot to do that day maybe something at work, contacting someone or even something as little as doing the laundry. Then it begins all over again, the anxiety. Now you're lying in bed wide awake, thinking about the thing you needed and should do, your stomach is now crippled with anxiety and you can't sleep.

Why do we do it to ourselves? It's crazy talk.

These days we all live such fast paced lives we forget to be in the moment, we forget to just breathe and live.

Practising mindfulness however can help you deal with those emotions. It can help you become aware to what is around you and what you're missing out on by becoming so wrapped up in your anxieties.

So how did I take the first step and begin to take back control of my mind? Here's how:

Read.
I started to read books on practising mindfulness or reading autobiographies of people who suffered from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). I recommend A Mindfulness Guide for the Frazzled by Ruby Wax, who has written a series of books all linked to mental health. I also recommend We're All Mad Here by Claire Eastham a girl who suffered from anxiety and how she dealt with it. I used to be an avid reader when I was younger but as I got into my teen years I became disinterested, however since discovering these genre of books I find it hard to put the book down! So if you're reading this thinking "urgh but I don't enjoy reading" or "books are for nerds", I thought that and now I'm sitting here giving out recommendations.

Enjoy the silence.
Turn off your TV, your phone, the radio - anything that distracts your mind. Now just sit there and breathe. Okay so now maybe you're starting to think (over think) of whatever has been niggling at you all day, but just keep breathing through those thoughts. Think about those thoughts from a different perspective, as if it's your friends issue. Now think about what you would say to them, how would you advise and distract them from it? Looking at things from a different perspective gives you the chance to take a step back for a second and again, breathe. Eventually you will recognise the emotions and thoughts without torturing yourself. You'll learn to take control of those emotions before they get a hold of you. Anxiety is like a bully in your head, it makes you second guess yourself and everyone/thing around you, don't let it. Stamp it out.


Look after yourself.
When my anxiety peaks, I tend to just let it get me emotionally and physically. I can sometimes go all day without eating a thing on my worst days. Then right before bedtime I would get so hungry I would end up binge eating, and not on healthy stuff. Pizza, cakes, doughnuts you name it - I ate it. My stomach would be so bad with anxiety it was as if a swarm of wasps were trapped inside, so I would just lose my appetite. Eventually I knew I couldn't go on like that, it made me feel lethargic and it showed in my face. I had dark circles under my eyes, I looked drawn and pale. So I did something about it, I looked into healthy lifestyles, read blogs and did a few YouTube searches and came across Revolutionary Yoga (I think I mentioned this in my previous post, Self Help) and every morning I get up, have some breakfast, put down my yoga mat and begin the class - in the comfort of my own living room might I add! As well as that I ditched the crappy food and if I fancied something sweet I opted for fruit instead. Everything is about training your mind first and then it shows in your body.

Also if you're a smoker - BIN THEM, NOW and purchase (if you need to) an electronic cigarette. Smoking makes you feel sluggish and for me, it sometimes made me feel light headed and just generally unhealthy.

So in short, open up your mind and read books, turn off your devices, log out of social media, eat well and at suitable times, start exercising, stop smoking and allow yourself to be in the moment, don't be afraid of your OWN voice, tell the bully in your mind "nope not today!" and live your life.

Thanks for reading, I know I can ramble on sometimes 🙈.

What do you do when you're feeling anxious? How do you practice mindfulness?
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In my last post I touched on the fact I had visited Amsterdam last year for my 25th birthday, so I have decided to share a few photos I took with you all! I loved every minute of this break away, I went away with S for the first time and we both loved it. When people think of Amsterdam they think Marijuana straight away, but Amsterdam has so much more to offer than just getting legally high.

10 things I loved about Amsterdam:
  1. The chilled and friendly atmosphere.
  2. The narrow winding streets lined with unique buildings either side.
  3. The canals running through the main streets.
  4. The local bakery shops, omg the cakes are amazing over there. The Nutella muffins are YUM.
  5. The number of cafés and how welcoming the locals are. 
  6. Lost In Amsterdam (my favourite café).
  7. The Zoo called Natura Artis Magistra - a must see!
  8. The trams make it quick and easy to get around Amsterdam.
  9. The sex museum is a good giggle along with the maaany sex shops.
  10. How pretty it is on a night time as well as during the day.

We stayed for 3 nights during mid February so it was pretty chilly, so if you're going around the same time I would pack plenty of jumpers/hoodies. I'd love to go back to Amsterdam but in the summer season so we could do more outdoorsy things like the canal boat ride and hiring a pushbike for a day, activities that are much more enjoyable in the sun!

Oh and one last thing, make sure you're on time for your transfer back to the airport, we ended up missing our flight by 3 minutes and we had to pay an extra £200+ for another flight 😂, well that's a good story for the kids.

Have you been to Amsterdam? What did you like most?

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On February 27th (last Monday) I turned 26, I had been dreading it for weeks. So much so that the weekend before I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. I know it sounds dramatic, but I just kept saying to myself "I'm going to be 26 without the career job I hoped and worked hard for". Along with "I'm going to be 26 and I still don't own my own home, still not married and still not a Mother". They were all the things that I had envisioned my life to be, and it's far from it at the moment.

So I woke up to S turning over and shouting "HAPPY BIRTHDAAY", he made me a cuppa before having to scoot off to work. It sucked that he had to be at work on my birthday but I understand the pressure we're under financially, I knew he'd be home after work so it was cool. My family came over during the day with Birthday cake, wine and the home videos. I watched my 4 year old self prance around to Take That songs (my mams' favourite), lifting my jumper up to the camera (floozy) with not a care in the world. I was such a loved and happy child and it really showed in the videos, which was lovely to be reminded of.

S came home with flowers and a big balloon for me, we had Chinese food and then birthday pancakes with all the toppings (my favourite). He then spotted the home videos and we ended up watching those together, he thought I was a super cute baby and even mentioned how beautiful our kids will be. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside 😍.

It was a pretty quiet birthday compared to my others (I went to Amsterdam for my 25th) but I didn't mind, gone are the days where I would want to get really drunk in town 😂 (hey grandma).

The morning after I had a birthday breakfast catch up with L, one of my oldest and best friends. We made pancakes (it was shrove Tuesday) and talked about everything going on in each others lives. Our friendship is special, we can go for weeks or even months without being able to see each other (life gets in the way) but when we do meet up it's as if we just saw each other yesterday. She gets me and I get her. #friendshipgoals

Anyways after doing the thing I never do.. sit and think (sense my sarcasm) I've realised you can't rush things, everything happens at a time when it is supposed too. I mean yes I am beginning to get very impatient but I just hope the man in the sky has something up his sleeve for me. All you can do is stay hopeful, positive.. even if all you want to do is scream, cry, give up or whatever. *sighs*

Maybe by my 27th birthday post I'll have at least one of the things I had imagined, or even a puppy Pug will do. I am obsessed with dogs, puppies, pugs the lot! 🙈


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I was supposed to post this up days ago but I have had a weird few days! The weekend wasn't a good one, spent most of it anxious and sad and then on Monday it was my birthday. So far 26 is not serving me well, I've got to laugh really or else I'll cry - again 😆 ffs. Anyways enough about that for now, as promised I have created a list on ways of practising self-help.

Yoga
I started practising yoga in January and I absolutely love it. It makes you feel good in the mind, body and soul. I started to follow Adriene a yoga enthusiast who posts yoga classes to her YouTube page. She makes it fun to learn in the comfort of your own home, she is motivates you throughout and she is pretty funny too. Join in on the yoga revolution here!
Start a journal/blog
Whether it is a personal diary for just you or a blog like this, getting your thoughts and feelings out does wonders for your soul.

Take that nap
...and do not feel guilty about it.

Mindfulness books
Read books about your own mental illness as they give you insight into other peoples stories, how they dealt with it, how they overcame it and how to stay on that road to recovery. I have been reading a book called We're All Mad Here by Claire Eastham who is a fellow blogger about her anxiety. I could relate to just about the whole book, she is such a honest writer. She gives advice, tips and shares experiences and situations she has found herself in. Read her inspiring blog here.


Scented Candles
I am obsessed with scented candles! I have them in just about every room of my home, they create a warming atmosphere and sweet smelling fragrance. Perfect in helping you to unwind/distress. When my anxiety is hard to deal I like to make myself a nice hot drink, light some candles and read a book to help me relax.

Herbal Tea
Camomile and Chai tea are my personal favourites. I shop for mine at Marks and Spencers as they are the tastiest and they aren't badly priced either! Lovely to have before bedtime ☺


What do you do to help you de-stress? Have you any other useful self-help tips? Let me know ❤

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The number of ambassadors various mental health charities have lately is astounding. It's so inspirational to see the likes of The Royal Family, Fearne Cotton and fellow blogger Zoella all supporting different charities. They each have shared their own experiences battling with their mental health, when they realised they needed help, when to talk to someone and how to overcome it.

I have tackled the first two steps but I'm still trying to overcome it all. Y'see some mornings I wake up and feel great, I do my usual routine and sometimes even go on a mad cleaning spree (who am I 😂?) But then some mornings, it's bad. I wake up with evil butterflies in my stomach for no reason, a weight on my chest as if someone is sitting on it and instant thoughts of failure. Those are the days I don't leave the house, sometimes don't eat till my partner is home and although I try my best to distract myself I usually end up just lying on the sofa, binge watching reality TV or the soaps (probably not the best TV to watch to boost your mood ey?). A couple of hours pass and then I end up feeling really guilty for doing nothing. I mean everyone is entitled to 1 or 2 lazy days when they're feeling down in the dumps, but I think if it gets to 3 days that's when you have to give yourself a kick up the arse and shake yourself out of your funk. There are so many things you can do to help yourself, in fact I think I will touch on that in my next post. I'll share the things I do to help myself in order to keep my spirits up!

For now though why don't you watch this video I have shared, it is Prince Harrys' speech on Mental Health from when he visited my hometown Newcastle a few days ago. He touches on how important it is to talk and admitting you may need help, that there is no shame in it. That it doesn't make you weak and to find the courage within yourself to speak up, whether it be you or someone you know who is struggling. To talk, listen and care. It really can help make a difference. I find him so sincere and inspiring, his Mum would be so proud.


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I first experienced mental health problems 2 years ago. I was working down South as a merchandiser for a high street brand. I initially stayed down South because I was with someone I thought I was in love with (boy was I wrong). I had just graduated from university and got myself a decent job in the industry I studied about, fashion. Everything was going well for a few months. Then I noticed how much time I was spending alone, my boyfriend at the time was still studying and would visit home most weekends. That's when I realised that maybe this wasn't how I wanted to live my life. I was 400 miles away from home, my family, friends and I just couldn't connect with my work colleagues. I felt completely alone. I would work 5 days a week, go home, spend the nights with someone I wasn't sure of anymore and then on the weekends, he would leave and I'd spend the entire weekend in a tiny studio apartment, alone with my thoughts.

It wasn't healthy it made me paranoid and anxious, I used to love my own company.

You're probably thinking how can one situation like that lead to this? Well I have always been insecure. There are a couple of experiences that have impacted my life, bullying being one of them.
Throughout my middle school years I was bullied because of how I looked, I have shall we say... a prominent nose. I would get called names like Concorde, alien, E.T and more. It has stuck with me, even now at 25.

Another is the classic absent father. However I feel like my family and I had a lucky escape. He wasn't a good man. Not having a father around did have an impact on me as I got older and got involved with men. I had serious trust issues but craved finding true love. I have had four relationships and each of them all lasted at least one year. I had a tendency of holding on to something even when it wasn't working. It was as if I refused to give up, hoped they would change and stayed with them just to feel the love of a man (silly I know).

Eventually I saw sense and I am now in a very loving relationship with a man I can honestly say, will spend the rest of my life with ❤

I have read a few blogs on mental health however some of them have never opened up about how their mental health problems started. I think it's important to recognise how you've got to where you are, so you know how to overcome it.

Talking about your feelings is so important, I know first hand that sometimes talking to your nearest and dearest can affect them too. That's why I have been reading books, watching videos, reading blogs and now writing a blog. It helps to empty your mind, writing your feelings down takes that elephant off your chest. I'm a firm believer in self help, if you're suffering from any type of mental illness I advise you to start writing and reading. It makes you feel less alone, helps you to see the light at the end of the tunnel and keeps you focused on getting yourself better!

Here are a few mental health sites/blogs I find useful:

  • Time to Change
  • Mental Illness Blog
  • Relief from Anxiety
  • Oh dear Drea

When did you recognise the start of your mental health? What sparked it off? How or have you overcome it? Let me know ☺
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Urgh, so... I didn't get the travel agent job. The interviewer said I came across lovely but the numeracy test I had to do beforehand I scored low on 😒. It sucks because I really did feel I was in with a good chance, I revised for a few days day beforehand so I felt confident answering interview based questions, but it wasn't enough. Now I am back to the drawing board.

When I got the email my heart dropped to my stomach, I couldn't stop thinking "what did I do wrong? Was it the way my hair was? Was my make-up not right?" It was awful, I felt instantly anxious and feelings of worthlessness all came rushing back. So yeah, Monday was a pretty shitty day for me.

Two days later though and I'm okay, I mean I'm a little bitter but that's to be expected. When something hasn't worked out right for me in the past my Mam has always said "It wasn't meant to be, something better is going to come along". I hate to say it but, Mothers are usually right... it's weird how they just know isn't it?

Anyways, guess what?!

I have another job interview on Friday! It's a care job working with elderly people and although it's something I never thought I'd be interested in but I can see myself flourishing in that kind of work. The people I'm closest to have always said how caring and sensitive I am so I think it could be a good fit. It will just be nice to finish work and feel fulfilled because trust me, you don't get that feeling working in retail. 👎

Maybe I didn't get the travel agent job because the care job is meant for me? Just because you really want something doesn't mean you need it. If something is meant for you, it'll happen. Sometimes the timing just isn't right so fate steps in the way. But keep positive and have a little faith! 😗
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I came back home after I studied and worked down South for 4 years and I can honestly say, I don't regret coming back. I was home just 2 weeks and bagged myself a job in fashion retail. I was there for a year and a half, loved the people I worked with but as the months went on I realised there was no career prospects. From then on my mood got lower, rapidly. I got put on anti-depressants (50mg Sertraline incase you're wondering). I took them for a few weeks, felt better so I stopped taking them (rookie mistake). Bit of advice, always consult your doctor before stopping your meds, they'll tell you the best way to stop. Gradually. I went back to work, but after a month or so, the feelings of failure and worthlessness came creeping back. Y'see I went to university, studied fashion styling... I didn't go through all of that studying, the stresses and all-nighters to be a sales assistant! Anyways, long story short I got so depressed to the point that I had to quit my job, in December (couldn't of picked a worse month).

Two months later and I'm sitting here still unemployed, but I had a interview on Thursday to be a travel agent and I feel as though it went really well *fingers crossed*. Think I have finally found my niche!

I studied Travel and Tourism at college for a year before thinking (mistakenly) fashion was the career path I wanted to go down. To be honest I think I was just watching to many re-runs of The Hills 😂. In a dream world then yes, I would have loved to be a fashion stylist to the stars. But this is the real world and the fashion world is hard to crack in too (unless you're a TV reality star).

Tomorrow is crunch time anyways, the interviewer said she would contact me on Monday so I guess I'll just be waiting for that call eeek! 😓
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  • I had a job interview yesterday which I feel went really well! (more in next post)
  • My family helped me massively with some of my university debt
  • It is now 3 months since I gave up smoking, thank you dearest e-cig
  • Yoga, why oh why did I not start it years ago?
  • Last but not least, it has been Valentines Day this week and despite my boyfriend and I having a few money issues it was still special. Time and effort goes a long way 💗

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I have no idea what I'm doing. This blogging stuff is pretty intimidating! I have lots of different topics I want to write about, I just don't know where to start. The last thing I want to do is word vomit post after post and bore you (this post probably isn't helping) but hey, I promised myself I'd be completely honest and open, not just for the readers (if any) but for me. I have always wanted to keep a diary to look back on, so bare with me and join me on my journey through life. If my past is anything to go on it's going to be (and I hate to quote Ronan Keating but..) a rollercoaster.
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Sooo, I have been gearing myself up for months… hell maybe years to start writing my own journal and it has only been today (right now), that I have felt ready to share my thoughts and join this ever-growing blogging world!
I guess I should start with the boring stuff: My name is L, I live in England and I’m in my mid 20's. I was brought up with a very loving family, I struggled with the academic subjects in school – art and design was my thing and then somehow, I managed to get myself into university. I moved miles away from home for education, work and for what I thought was love (I’ll write about that another time though.)
 I have been wanting to start writing for ages now, as I see it as a release. I suffer from anxiety and low mood, so sometimes I feel as though I can’t confide in anyone. That’s not because I don’t have the support of my family and friends (I do!), it’s just sometimes I feel there is a limit as to how much I can tell a person about the crazy thoughts/feelings I have. My doctor advised me to go to therapy, so I gave it a go. Little did I know they could only offer me talking therapy over the telephone, I couldn’t even see the person who I was talking to (wtf?!) so I ended it after two sessions.
And that’s why I’m (finally) starting this! But don’t worry, I promise it won’t all be doom and gloom. I will be giving advice, tips and talking about the good things that happen in life too!

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